How to buy unvaxxed sperm for your wife and how to tell if it's real

Many of us were tricked, forced, into volunteering to get vaccinated. The damn liberals everywhere telling us "Oh, it's not safe", "You're endangering other peoples lives", and "My 5G reception has been great since I got my jab".

I got mine after my boss said I would HAVE to work remotely unless I got it.

After I received my vaccination, I informed my wife, and she slapped me, saying "I wanted to have children, not liberal robots!". She was worried more about her future kids than committing domestic abuse.

Fast forward to valentines day this year, I had a brilliant idea. Using the power of capitalism I could fix this issue!

I rushed to my favorite internet forums and started asking around. And I found several websites where I could order samples of sperm. I ordered over 10 samples from a few sites, including facebook marketplace, ebay, and aliexpress. I'm out over $2,000 but the results were worth it.

Tip #1, Consistency

When you get your samples in, if they appear to be very watery it is probably 2% milk or some sort of liberal alternative like oat milk. The correct consistency should resemble heavy whipping cream.

Tip #2, Taste

The optimal taste is more bitter than sour, make sure you take a swig

Top #3, Vaccination test

To tell if you truly have unvaccinated sperm, remove the anti-5G sticker from your phone, and see if your reception goes up when you move it closer to your sample.

The Results

I was able to find a prime sample, unvaccinated, republican sourced, optimal taste and consistency. Unfortunately my wife was not pleased with the idea or the amount of money I spent on this experiment.

However I was still able to get some millage out of the samples I ordered after I learned sperm is high in protein and mixed it in with my breakfast for a month.