‘Whale Sperm’: The Ancient Japanese Practice. Its Medical and Mystical Health Benefits

- written by kyle4u

It feels like every two weeks, a new health trend goes viral on the internet. From drinking toilet water, to semen retention, and to the latest and hottest trend: whale sperm. But how can we determine which trend is legitimate and which is just liberal propaganda that lowers our testosterone and mindjacks us to slowly influence us into communism? Here at InfoBattle.org, our experienced journalists have conducted decades of independent online research for you, our cherished readers and patriots. I spent 5 years using and researching whale sperm in all applications to make this review of all its effects.

The Japanese have been known to use whale sperm as a health supplement for thousands of years. Medical records have been found that date all the way back to the beginning of the rolling of the planet into its distinct fruit roll-up shape. After traveling to Nippon, I acquired over 60 gallons of whale sperm and have used all of it over the course of my 5 years spent there.

Depiction of ingredient collection in ancient Japan



1. On my skin

As lotion, I found whale sperm to be moisturizing and reinvigorating. My skin has never felt so clear. All my friends and colleagues compliment how radiant I am as soon as I step in the room. It’s nice and sticky so it’s easy to apply and stays on my body for hours. On my face, it leaves my cheeks bright red and constantly flushed. However, I do retain a fishy blue cheese and sweat smell throughout the day. My pungent odor drives away and kills all dogs that I encounter within a 30 foot radius.

Rating: 8/10, would recommend it for blue cheese lovers and canine haters.


2. In my hair

Hair gaining unusual powers

I applied a vigorous amount of whale sperm as cream into my scalp and hair. After leaving it there for about 5 minutes, my hair became a bright red color and started accelerated growth until eventually, over a month, it grew all the way to the floor. At the end of the month, at my hair’s peak length, I suddenly was stricken with a sense of full control over the length of my hair. I could move it around and make an infinite amount of shapes with it. I used it to reach across rooms to pick up objects, shoot guns, and do mortal combat with protesting liberals. My hair was so deadly I had to register it as a lethal weapon and couldn’t attend Toby Keith concerts.

Rating: 9.5/10, would recommend it for inbred patriots


3. As a dietary supplement

general superpowers

Drinking a glass of whale sperm every day in the morning after I wake up and in the evening before I sleep, has given me the most unprecedented health benefits yet. After 1 week, I could understand Mandarin Chinese. After 2 weeks, I could resist concentrated 5G brain wave blasts from the deep state government. After 3 weeks, I could detect Plane Walkers before they arrived and use my powerful mind-focus to expel them from our reality. With my whale sperm powers, I was able to acquire a kill count of 47 Plane Walkers at the time of writing this article. Rating: 10/10, a must have for all freedom fighters



Overall, the ancient Japanese practice of whale sperm consumption nearly rivaled the health benefits of our very own EagleWorks - The True Patriot Mass Builder which you can purchase right here on InfoBattle.org. The two supplements taken together are perfect for the informed patriot.

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