May The 'Force' Be With You - Can Semen Retention Activate Dormant Superpowers?

It was a night like any other; Lenny Hawk, an officer of the Los Santos Police Department, was in hot pursuit of a getaway vehicle operated by suspected criminals. After successful detainment, the officers at the scene were shocked to see a semi-truck parked nearby suddenly back away from Officer Hawk entirely on its own. Seeing clearly that the truck’s motion was influenced by Officer Hawk’s presence, word quickly spread about the seemingly supernatural event which had just occurred before them - soon reaching our writers, who then reached out for an interview.

“I’ve been, uh, practicing semen retention for about three or so months now and, uh, I knew the results would begin to show soon enough. It’s just too bad that, uh, Officer Cornwood had to become so involved in my rebirth or, uh, metamorphosis into a ‘super-being’ in the way that he was.”

In an unfortunate coincidence, the truck ended up running over fellow Officer Cletus Cornwood who, luckily, was wearing a helmet and had other officers at the scene who he could rely on to quickly move him away from the truck.

“I claim no responsibility for what happened to Officer Cornwood. It was an unlucky night for him, but, uh, a pretty, uh, rousing night for me. I kept my semen backed up for so long and now I think I can finally start, or, uh, stop, uh, you know, uh, doing that. I’m [going to] start, uh, gooning again and see if these, uh, ‘bubble powers’ have any other effective use.”

Our team reached out to Officer Cornwood for comment as well; however, he refused to speak with us due to his extensive injuries.

Bodycam Footage of the ‘Event’

Taking the situation as we know it at face value, there seems to be no other explanation as to how the truck was able to move on its own: Officer Hawk moved it with his mind. The deep state may not want you to know it, but semen retention truly does work wonders. The team here at Infobattle.org is intimately familiar with this practice; however, we have yet to see the same results as Officer Hawk experienced. It’s definitely exciting and motivating knowing that there is definitive proof for us after all.

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